Clipped wings?


Lately I haven’t been quite as “feral housewife” as I would like to let on.  Not only have I not been very feral, if I want to be perfectly transparent I’ve been nothing short of a broken, docile house pet. 

—Like a canary in a cage or a flea bitten dog on a chain.

Actually tho, more like a bald eagle in one of those netted zoo enclosures. Why?Because everybody walks by staring at them and commenting on how they are symbols of freedom and independence; but the poor fellow is nothing more than an empty symbol without the status to back it up. A washed up, clipped has-been.

That’s me lately—just living off my reputation as the adventurous, free spirited, feral housewife of lore, but most assuredly not living it.  

I’m like that eagle in the zoo—everybody sees FREEDOM but nobody stops to think that the poor guy’s wings are clipped.

Now, before anybody gets all overly analytical and gets the idea that I’ve been oppressed and suppressed by my toxically masculine, traditional, head of the household husband—let me assure you, it’s nothing of the sort.  If anything, he is my biggest challenger and the one who pushes me to do the things that I would rather shy away from now a days.

The problem kind of crept up on me without me realizing it till I was really in the thick of it.  It definitely started with our move to Tucson and has become a silent disease that has slowly metastasized into a full blown mental cancer for me. But, I recently experienced something that shone a glaring spotlight on how dire my situation has become.

Let me expound:

In hopes of bringing some meaning and a feeling of usefulness back into my mundane Tucson existence, I decided to start a free snake removal service for the not so snake loving folk on base.  After seeing countless panicked posts on various DM fb pages about pest control not being able to come right away to “rehome” these undesirable yard pets, I felt that I could contribute to the community by stepping in in such a way.

So, I posted an add offering my services:

“Jane’s Snake removal” 

…and waited.

Not long.

I found myself going on various runs in and even around base to collect mostly bull snakes and then deposit them into the wild—away from housing and the frightened masses.  It was fun.  I enjoyed being appreciated and having a bigger purpose than meal prepping and being Uber for my teenage son. Not quite my former glory, but respectable nonetheless.

But then the thing happened.  The thing that caused me to realize that I have indeed become a caged animal with severe social anxiety issues.

Anyway, I got a text.    A “help me please there is a snake in my yard and it is going to attack my dog and my baby and we are going to die soon” text.  

I snatched my bucket and snake grabber (in case it was a rattler, right?) and drove the 3 minutes to my “client’s” house.

She met me outside of her home.  

Just her.  

Alone.

Perfect.

She pointed out where the snake was—from a far distance.  It was clearly a harmless bull snake happily snuggled up against the side of her home enjoying a bit of shade.

Easy.

But before I could snatch him up, the lady interrupted my mission and asked if she could go get her son because he wanted to watch.

Fine.  

I’m happy enough to show a kiddo how to catch a snake.  Maybe let him hold it or something and get a picture.

So off she went to fetch her child while I stood next to the snake waiting to make my move.

But it was then that things started to happen fast.  

As the woman went to fetch her son, the next door neighbor appeared.  And his wife.  And the neighbor across the road.  And several other adults and children that seemed to have just dropped down from the branches of the scrubby Arizona trees.  

I started to get tunnel vision.  

I started to feel my chest tighten.  

I could hear blood flow in my ears.

I got the urge to move extra fast and I noticed that my words didn’t like to exit my mouth in an elegant fashion.

I was terrified.  

I did not feel like a boss.  I did not feel like the girl who catches rattle snakes and shoots guns and does cool things in her diesel truck and joined the military and goes on wild hiking/camping adventures all alone.  

I felt like a bald eagle with clipped wings.

I felt like a cornered cougar (yes, I made Cougar joke. I still have a sense of humor, ok?)

So, with an audience that could have packed out the Apollo, I set forth to capture this snake.  

That part went fine.  

I approached, pulled him from under the ledge, grabbed him by the head and lifted him up for all to see.

And this is where I truly fell into the deepest reaches of desperation and despondency.

As everybody oo-ed and ahh-ed I tried to play it cool and attempted to hold the snake out for the children to see.  
The only beauty of this story is that the lovely creature wrapped himself tightly around my forearm as if to give me a hug of understanding—because I’m sure he could feel my visible shaking.

Yes. Very, VERY visible shaking.  

I tried to tactically move around in fast, deliberate motions to distract from the uncontrollable tremors that were being wracked out of my body but it only made things worse.  I pert near hurled that snake into some poor child’s trusting little face simply because I could not think straight.

People

Everywhere

Looking at me

Focusing on me

Judging me

I felt trapped

I felt observed.

I felt panicked.

I felt like a cornered animal.  

I felt…

I felt what?

I felt … feral?

Yes! Feral!

Well I’ll be jiggered!  
Not domesticated, not broken, not clipped, not beaten down, not submissive, not docile — I’m still feral after all!

Don’t overcharge me

Posed mechanic picture

Well, here I am again. I’ll bet the 3 people who follow me were wondering if this blogging thing was a one hit wonder. I assure you it is not a wonder. But it is also not a one hit.

My newly purchased, used macbook ( which I purchased for the sole purpose of writing) decided it liked its old owner better and revolted against me. I’m going to assume he was a communist. Because I don’t like him. Or his Macbook. Anyway, a small computer repair shop in Tucson got me back up and going so here it is…my second post.

I took my truck into the shop several weeks ago to get the AC up and running again. I was fine without having this common luxury while in New Mexico and was determined to continue in my resistance here in Tucson, but the visit of my dear sister and her hubby forced my hand and I took the old White Witch into the shop.

Upon picking it back up, the shop mechanic at the front desk very sadly and dramatically informed me that my fan clutch was going out and it would soon overheat, catch on fire and likely pass on over the great divide. He was very concerned about me. He even had an estimate ready to hand me so when I died in the flames of my burning truck at least it would not be on his conscience.

$275.00

Yes, that’s right. But how can one put a price on one’s life? So I thanked him deeply and assured him that I would be back to be given another grant on life. Caring soul. Bless him.

And then I promptly went to Auto Zone and bought a fan clutch for $65, watched a free YouTube video on how to hold belt pulleys still without buying a special tool, and changed that life threatener myself like a real housewife. I’m kind of like Rosie the Riveter. All strong and stuff.

Unposed mechanic picture

Because being a good military housewife is all about being independent, being a money saver, and being able to keep up with all the mishaps while the hubby is away. Or is it??? Mostly I fixed my own truck before becoming a dependa, I’m an awful money saver as I buy way too many clothes, and when my hubby is home the mishaps multiply. (heehee)

Seriously tho…as a wife to an incredible man who is dedicated to his country (and all that that entails) I am humbled by the privilege of being able to make his house a home, keep the worries to a minimum, and hold the fort. When I started my own Air Force journey 5 years ago I would not have thought that it would have ended with my hands in the dish water. But maybe deep inside I did. Maybe deep inside I am OK with being a help meet. With being a supporter. With being a wife. With being all the things that modern western society rejects.

And for my next truck, I’ll do laundry and water my sad, thirsty plants without washing the grease off my head ands.

Maybe in the end I was OK with being a Proverbs wife. .. But with guns. And trucks. And tattoos. And freedom from all expectations. I love my family. I love God. I love freedom. And I’m blessed beyond measure to be able to be a part of His ultimate plan.

Where am I and what am I doing??

I’m here–but I don’t really know where here is. Staring blankly at this black, blogging abyss. Wondering why I came and what possessed me to pay for a personalized website where I can shock the senses of any tech save human being unfortunate enough to stumble upon this little blip in the web. I had to enlist the help of my 14 yo son to even create a username on my new MacBook pro that I purchased for the express purpose of posting blogs. So, here I am–coming before you with a very ugly website and a few incoherent words because I’m in a panic. I’m in a “first blog post” panic and I’m considering a fast retreat to my kitchen where at least I don’t feel intimidated and small. (Yes. I said that. I’m a woman who is not afraid to say “kitchen.” I can cook a mean sandwich and then go out and change the oil in my diesel like a real Proverbs Woman. So let’s move on.)

Maybe that’s a good place to start. Being a woman. It’s not all its being made out to be in recent days. Well, it is actually–but not in the way its being sold to us by those that wish to change the beauty of our species. Some popular power words that come to mind are: Equality. Powerful. Independent. Fierce. Empowered. All good words. All good words when they do not stand alone.

Because you know what? Being woman cannot be replaced with so called “power words”. Being woman cannot be redefined by a world gone mad. Being woman cannot be remolded to fit into a time era. Because being woman is timeless.

Being woman is being all that a man cannot be. Not trying to be all that a man is.

Being woman is thriving in the role that suites you best. Not trying to fit into society’s role.

Being woman is celebrating your natural strengths. Not seeing them as weakness.

Being woman is accepting your feral, feminine spirit. Not seeking the accepted, modern spirit of the world.

Yes, I said feral. Because there’s not a one of us Godly ladies that can walk that perfect line of help-meet, kitchen wench, grocery getter, love machine, sandwich maker, husband supporter, home schooler, garden keeper, occasional mechanic, (and the list goes on) without occasionally loosing our domestication and running off into the wilderness like a feral cat on a mission of madness.

So, that’s me. A feral housewife that likes being a woman.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus your own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus your own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus your own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.